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It is not easy to see how the more extreme forms of nationalism can long survive when men have seen the Earth in its true perspective as a single small globe against the stars.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
-- Jack Handey

I don't want to sound callous. I mean, even if I have nothing to offer, that doesn't matter, because that still doesn't mean that what anybody else has to offer therefore has to be true.
-- Richard Dawkins

Adventure is just bad planning.
-- Roald Amundsen

Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
-- Aaron McGruder

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
-- Steven Wright

In a mad world only the mad are sane.
-- Akira Kurosawa

Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know"

I used to think that cyberspace was fifty years away. What I thought was fifty years away, was only ten years away. And what I thought was ten years away... it was already here. I just wasn't aware of it yet.
-- Bruce Sterling

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
-- Dave Barry

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- Stephen Wright

Another war ... must it always be so? How many comrades have we lost in this way? ... Obedience. Duty. Death, and more death ...
-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2

The argument that the literal story of Genesis can qualify as science collapses on three major grounds: the creationists' need to invoke miracles in order to compress the events of the earth's history into the biblical span of a few thousand years; their unwillingness to abandon claims clearly disproved, including the assertion that all fossils are products of Noah's flood; and their reliance upon distortion, misquote, half-quote, and citation out of context to characterize the ideas of their opponents.
-- Stephen Jay Gould ("The Verdict on Creationism", The Skeptical Inquirer, Winter 87/88, pg. 186)

The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question.
-- Stephen Jay Gould

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
-- Dave Barry

Words are the litmus paper of the minds. If you find yourself in the power of someone who will use the word "commence" in cold blood, go somewhere else very quickly. But if they say "Enter", don't stop to pack.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

An expert is a man who has stopped thinking - he knows!
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

One does not need to puzzle long over why religionists hate atheists so venomously. Atheist stir up the suppressed doubts of believers to the point of producing anguish. This is the anguish that incited believers to burn heretics and atheists at the stake in olden times to remove the source of the unsettling, disturbing doubts that plagued the believers.
-- C. W. Dalton (The Right Brain and Religion)

Ethics are so annoying. I avoid them on principle.
-- Darby Conley

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.
-- Lenny Bruce

To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.
-- The Sphinx

Church, cult. Cult, church. Big deal! So we get bored somewhere else every Sunday!
-- Bartholomew J. Simpson

Sen. Danforth: There is nothing on the face of the album which would notify you if the record has pornographics material or material glorifying violence?
Tipper Gore: No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me.
Frank Zappa: I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on the album cover is good indication that it's not for little Johnny.
-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985

Dammit, I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. It's too late to teach this old dog new tricks.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending.
-- Bender Unit 22

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
-- Jeff Raskin (interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal)

This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
-- Jack Handey

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain

...it is a telling fact that, the world over, the vast majority of children follow the religion of their parents rather than any of the other available religions.
-- Richard Dawkins

I'm protected by a ROLL-ON I rented from AVIS..