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In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-- Douglas Adams

I sent the club a wire stating, "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
-- Groucho Marx

The laws of science be a harsh mistress.
-- Bender Unit 22

Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Jazz is not dead...it just smells funny.
-- Frank Zappa

The answer to this is very simple. It was a joke. It had to be a number, an ordinary, smallish number, and I chose that one. Binary representations, base thirteen, Tibetan monks are all complete nonsense. I sat at my desk, stared into the garden and thought '42 will do' I typed it out. End of story.
-- Douglas Adams (on why "42" is The Answer...)

The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be correct.
-- William of Occam

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
-- George Orwell

We scientists, whose tragic destiny it has been to make the methods of annihilation ever more gruesome and more effective, must consider it our solemn and transcendent duty to do all in our power in preventing these weapons from being used for the brutal purpose for which they were invented.
-- Albert Einstein

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
-- David Letterman

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
-- Emo Philips

One does not have to appeal to God to set the initial conditions for the creation of the universe, but if one does He would have to act through the laws of physics.
-- Stephen Hawking (Black Holes & Baby Universes)

People who think of videos as an art form are probably the same people who think Cabbage Patch Dolls are a revolutionary form of soft sculpture.
-- Frank Zappa

Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race.
-- Albert Einstein

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.
-- Jack Handey

As I got up in front of them, I felt an intoxication that had nothing to do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

I hope I didn't brain my damage.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Boredom is a vital problem for the moralist, since at least half the sins of mankind are caused by the fear of it.
-- Bertrand Russell

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
-- Mark Twain

If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
-- Vannevar Bush

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
-- Alfred E. Newman

Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen.
-- Martin Mull

Me fail English? That's unpossible.
-- Ralph Wiggum

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
-- Jack Handey

When I was a child, the other children in my neighborhood would taunt me, calling me "noodle-head" or "neo-Calvinist" So I would run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap tight and pull me back.
-- Emo Philips

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
-- Jack Handey

Mmmm, forbidden donut.
-- Homer J. Simpson

My religion is to do good.
-- Thomas Paine

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
-- James Thurber

This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE.. And he has ``VISA''!!