You Might Be A Republican If…
From Tina’s Shark Tank:
You Might Be A Republican If… (Author unknown)
- You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.
- You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and Deduction two”
- You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
- You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend”
- You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
- You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
- You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
- The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they’re richer than you.
- You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
- You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
- You call mall rent-a-cops “jack-booted thugs.”
- You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
- You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”
- You’ve ever said, “I can’t wait to get into business school.”
- You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Tootsie.”
- You answer to “The Man.”
- You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
- You fax the FBI a list of “Commies in my Neighborhood.”
- You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”
- You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit…
- You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.
- You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western values.”
- When people say “Marx,” you think “Groucho.”
- You’ve ever yelled, “Hey hippie, get a haircut.”
- You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
- You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
- Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
- You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
- You’ve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
- You’ve ever said “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”
- You spent MLK Day reading The Bell Curve.
- You’ve ever called education a luxury.
- You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
- You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
- You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.
- You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.
- You’re afraid of the “liberal media.”
- You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates….”
- You’ve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
- You think all artists are gay.
- You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”
- You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.
- You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
you might be a republican…
* if you are perfectly willing to give up the bill of rights if it means keeping our freedom
* if amassing wealth in a powerful central government is okay if it means a few bucks of your tax money back
* if you think you are still rich enough to be one
* if you have argued that it’s okay to keep innocent men in guantanamo bay so they won’t be out there killing people
* if you think a world terrorist is okay as long as he smiles and wears a cowboy hat
* if you eagerly give omnipotent power to anyone as long as they say they love jesus
* if you have warned others of the new world order and then voted for bush
raine megivern
— March 24, 2004 @ 11:29 pm
*if you have morals, and know right from wrong
*if you have common sense
*if you want the best for our country and the world
Anonymous
— May 26, 2004 @ 7:57 pm
I think the last person had a couple of typo’s. Here’s what you probably mean’t.
*if you have “morals” when it comes to select issues, yet consider senseless killing right and proper
*if your common sense is akin to that of a twelve year old
*if you think half the world’s populous should be your slaves
Anonymous
— July 11, 2004 @ 10:35 pm