Yet Another Web Site

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
-- Jack Handey

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Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you’d like to hear it I can sing it for you.
— HAL 9000 (2001: A Space Odyssey)

Absolutely, as long as it’s not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun, and then comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top of a hill in Johnny Arab land.

— from Black Adder’s Christmas Carol

Christmas is an awfulness that compares favorably with the great London plague and fire of 1665-66. No one escapes the feelings of mortal dejection, inadequacy, frustration, loneliness, guilt and pity. No one escapes feeling used by society, by religion, by friends and relatives, by the utterly artificial responsibilities of extending false greetings, sending banal cards, reciprocating unsolicited gifts, going to dull parties, putting up with acquaintances and family one avoids all the rest of the year…in short, of being brutalized by a “holiday” that has lost virtually all of its original meanings and has become a merchandising ploy for color tv set manufacturers and ravagers of the woodlands.
– Harlan Ellison

Every time you say “Happy Holidays,” an angel gets AIDS.
– Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

While eight flying reindeer are a hard pill to swallow, our Christmas story remains relatively simple. Santa lives with his wife in a remote polar village and spends one night a year traveling around the world. If you’re bad, he leaves you coal. If you’re good and live in America, he’ll give you just about anything you want. We tell our children to be good and send them off to bed, where they lie awake, anticipating their great bounty. A Dutch parent has a decidedly hairier story to relate, telling his children, “Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before you go to bed. The former bishop from Turkey will be coming along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes, they might stuff you in a sack and take you to Spain, or they might just pretend to kick you. We don’t know for sure, but we want you to be prepared.” This is the reward for living in Holland. As a child you get to hear this story, and as an adult you get to turn around and repeat it. As an added bonus, the government has thrown in legalized drugs and prostitution–so what’s not to love about being Dutch?
– David Sedaris (Esquire, December 2002)

“I was just over at Myspace. What a shitty, filthy neighborhood that has become. Street performers, hookers and runaways everywhere.”
— Marc Maron (via Twitter)

In the year 3000, Youtube,Twitter and Facebook will merge to form one super time-wasting website called YouTwitFace.
– Conan O’Brien

Someone has already registered:

• youtwitface.com
• youtwitface.net
• youtwitface.org

Damn…

Will you look at those morons? I paid my taxes over a year ago!
– Homer J. Simpson

(via email)

There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.
– http://kfmonkey.blogspot.com/2009/03/ephemera-2009-7.html

One characteristic of cults is that they strongly believe they alone are right in their beliefs and everyone else is wrong.
— Billy Graham

Ask me the DIFFERENCE between PHIL SILVERS and ALEXANDER HAIG!!