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Like many of you, I have been compelled by recent events to prepare a more detailed advance directive dealing with end-of-life issues. Here’s what mine says:

In the event I lapse into a persistent vegetative state, I want medical authorities to resort to extraordinary means to prolong my hellish semi-existence. Fifteen years wouldn’t be long enough for me.

I want my wife and my parents to compound their misery by engaging in a bitter and protracted feud that depletes their emotions and their bank accounts.

I want my wife to ruin the rest of her life by maintaining an interminable vigil at my bedside. I’d be really jealous if she waited less than a decade to start dating again or otherwise rebuilding a semblance of a normal life.

I want my case to be turned into a circus by losers and crackpots from around the country who hope to bring meaning to their empty lives by investing the same transient emotion in me that they once reserved for Laci Peterson, Chandra Levy, and that little girl who got stuck in a well.

I want those crackpots to spread vicious lies about my wife.

I want to be placed in a hospice where protesters can gather to bring further grief and disruption to the lives of dozens of dying patients and families whose stories are sadder than my own.

I want the people who attach themselves to my case because of their deep devotion to the sanctity of life to make death threats against any judges, elected officials or health care professionals who disagree with them.

I want the medical geniuses and philosopher kings who populate the Florida Legislature to ignore me for more than a decade and then turn my case into a forum for weeks of politically calculated bloviation.

I want total strangers — oily politicians, maudlin news anchors, ersatz friars, and all other hangers-on — to start calling me “Bobby”, as if they had known me since childhood.

I’m not insisting on this as part of my directive, but it would be nice if Congress passed a “Bobby’s Law” that applied only to me and ignored the medical needs of tens of millions of other Americans without adequate health coverage.

Even if the “Bobby’s Law” idea doesn’t work out, I want Congress — especially all those self-described conservatives who claim to believe in “less government and more freedom” — to trample on the decisions of doctors, judges and other experts who actually know something about my case. And I want members of Congress to launch into an extended debate that gives them another excuse to avoid pesky issues such as national security and the economy.

In particular, I want House Majority Leader Tom DeLay to use my case as an opportunity to divert the country’s attention from the mounting political and legal troubles stemming from his slimy misbehavior.

And I want Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist to make a mockery of his Harvard medical degree by misrepresenting the details of my case in ways that might give a boost to his 2008 presidential campaign.

I want Frist and the rest of the world to judge my medical condition on the basis of a snippet of dated and demeaning videotape that should have remained private.

Because I think I would retain my sense of humor even in a persistent vegetative state, I’d want President Bush — the same guy who publicly mocked Karla Faye Tucker when signing off on her death warrant as governor of Texas — to claim he was intervening in my case because it is always best “to err on the side of life.”

I want the state Department of Children and Families to step in at the last moment to take responsibility for my well-being, because nothing bad could ever happen to anyone under DCF’s care.

And because Gov. Jeb Bush is the smartest and most righteous human being on the face of the Earth, I want any and all of the aforementioned directives to be disregarded, if the governor happens to disagree with them. If he says he knows what’s best for me, I won’t be in any position to argue.

– Paul R Ehrlich

Here’s another living will.

Dr. Evil strikes

jac — Fri, 07 Jan 2005 22:23:41 +0000

(via Eschaton)

Competitive compassion:

This just in from Sri Lanka:

Just before his helicopter lifted off, Frist and aides took snapshots of each other near a pile of tsunami debris. “Get some devastation in the back,” Frist told a photographer.

~~Dr. Evil~~ Bill Frist, MD must have entered politics because pretending to care about his patients was getting too hard.

MSNBC’s Stupid Poll

jac — Tue, 31 Aug 2004 17:18:34 +0000

(via Eschaton)

Here’s a recent poll from ~~MSGOP~~ MSNBC:

Seems to me there should be at least one more option.

The person who came up with this poll probably used to do web polls for Senator Bill Frist.

Yet Another Example of Bill Frist’s Hypocrisy

jac — Sun, 30 Nov 2003 04:58:17 +0000

While reading Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right, I came across this bit about our favorite cat killing senator, ~~Dr. Evil~~ Bill Frist:

But mainly it was Coleman’s proxies who played it dirty. The National Republican Senatorial Committee (NRSC) ran an ad called “Pork” that hit the hypocrisy jackpot. It savaged Wellstone for voting “to spend thousands of dollars to control seaweed in Maui,” claiming that he prioritized seaweed control over national defense. In fact, Wellstone did vote for S.1216, as did Strom Thurmond, Trent Lott and 84 other senators. That bill did appropriate the seaweed control spending–but it also provided $21 billion for veterans’ health care, $27 billion for veterans’ compensation and pensions, and block grants to assist New York City’s recovery from 9/11. The NRSC was chaired that year by Bill Frist, who later replaced Lott as Senate majority leader. Before the memorial, Frist spoke with the Wellstones’ older son, David, who later recounted the conversation to me.

“I’m sorry about your parents and your sister,” Frist told David.

“Did you authorize the seaweed ad against my dad?” David asked.

“Yes,” said Frist.

“And did you vote for the seaweed bill?”

There was a pause. They both knew that the answer was yes. Finally, Frist said, “It wasn’t personal.”

“My dad took it personal,” David said. “Thanks for coming to my family’s memorial.”

Senator Bill Frist’s Web Shenanigans

jac — Thu, 13 Nov 2003 19:18:05 +0000

As if web polls aren’t bogus in general, there’s this poll on ~~Dr. Evil’s~~ Bill Frist‘s web site:

It seems Dr. Frist thinks nothing about rigging a poll to give him the desired results no matter how the vote goes.